who I am hates who I am

just spent nearly 3 hours (7:44 PM til 10:33 PM) talking to Kyle.
just missed a call from Byron (10:40 PM). the voice message was a drunken "uhhh-" cut off.
just saw my dying grandmother. and shocked by the candidness of my mother, so apathetic. no need to be concerned? I'm terrified that she'll pass away tonight.
just spent another day being annoyed as hell with my mom. what is our problem? I can't have even a 2 minute conversation before we are irritated and trying really hard not to snap at each other. I can't figure it out; it's impossible for us to get along. UGHHHHHHHHHH is how I feel.

woke up again at 7:07 AM, heard umma leaving. too lazy to get out of bed, tired from getting back so late last night from Slumdog. got out of bed around 9 AM, shower. decided to go to valley fair apple store (appt for 10:30), while messing around with the new AA dress I got, ended up being too lazy to change out of it so looked pretty damn sexy for Agnes. Intending to leave at 10 AM but of course it ended up being more like 10:09, sped over to VF and got there right on time (into the apple store at 10:32. nice.) turns out the warranty expired in 2007. bummer. so they couldn't do anything for me, slightly disappointed but expected. wandered to GAP, checked out Nordstrom a bit. walked over to Club Monaco just for old times sakes of Ryan and Andrew, asked the cute scrawny white gay boy if Andrew Lee still works here, no, sorry. walk to A|X? nah. turn back to Nords, to the car. should I go to UO in Santana Row? 11 AM now, not worth the 30 min. raining so headed over to Great America Parkway. took the wrong turn on the exit, needed to go right to get to Mission College. great. er, I mean, Great. ha.

ended up in the Santa Clara convention center, taking another wrong lane into industrial nowhere. finally wound up in Yahoo visitor parking lot, did a terrible job of parking
(I blame the big brown minivan on the other aisle, and the squished position of the car on my right), it was 11:20 by now. jetted into the lobby and sat on a bright yellow chair (didn't take the large purple one because it was right in front of the TV displaying CNN whitehouse interview). Agnes was off at 11:30 so sat around for 20 minutes, then she called and realized I was in the wrong lobby. whoops.

made her unpark my car, hehehe. austin powers much? got to Tomatina's, pretty happening place. sat in an awkward place, long table in between two other pairs. not even 5 minutes into our catch up convo the old white guy next to me spills his drink all over the Indian guy sitting across from him. Embarrassing! Aggie handed over her napkin, always so giving. jeez. I don't think i'll ever get over it. gave my life story of the past month in less than an hour. good garlic rolls ps! and the pasta was pretty good, chicken yummy, whatever her steak proelinae whatever i can't remmeber that's totally not it but whatever. i'm tired. yeah, good stuff. i talked a lot. it was great to hear about her life too. I pray for her. please don't let her get laid off. and if she does get cut then let something even better come along. and let that creeper guy not be creepy to her.
went back to yahoo for some free coffee, woot. changed my mind between hot choco and white choco mocha and back to hot choco (after reading that it's made from Ghiradelli). sat down to show pics, and before we knew it she was already late to her other job (1:54 PM, needed to make the 15 minute drive by 2) damn, I felt legit bad for making her late even though I had been joking about it earlier. wait. not even though. more like, even more so because*.

then had an hour to kill before umma would come. parked in front of TJ Maxx home, busted out the ipod and basically passed out. woke up at 2:45, nice timing. didn't even realize i had fallen asleep. maybe i didn't, hm. anyway, she called 3 times, each time being super indecisive, can you come here? i had no idea where the hell i was. especially after getting lost for 20 minutes, and i HATE driving in the el camino area. everyone does. it's so stressful. and now I have realized how much i do hate driving and fully support public trans. (hence taking BART twice the past 3 days). listening to schindler's list OST is not helping me cheer up. anyhow, i realized how shitty it is that we honestly can't have 2 minutes without bickering and that attitude. it's not just her, it's me too, but why can't we stop it? and we've talked (kind of) about this before. i think it is something that will just always be there. I really don't like it. I think it's because I don't respect her like I respect appa. which sucks. because I am probably a lot like her. ughghhhgh.

so after waiting more after she said she was there, i walked over to starbucks, and by the time i was walking through the door she called and said "oh actually can you walk over here?" yeah, already done. STILL not coming, needed to pee really bad after that hot choco and nap. went, came out and she was sitting on the couch. okay, awkward. why are we meeting? she felt bad that i was "all alone at home". i know she had good intentions, but honestly, this was such a hassle to meet her. I wasted an hour of time, would hit traffic to drive home. I wanted to visit halmuni (weh) and told cheen halmuni i'd be home by 3, and now i had a headache from the hour long wait and at starbucks, not wanting coffee because I just had some, and nothing to really talk about with her since I never feel comfortable talking about anything of substance with her. Then of course she comments on how everyone is staring at me cuz I must look cold and out of season in my dress, when really it's just the middle-aged men staring at my body. she moves us off the couch to outside so I have to put on my coat. then she moves us back inside to the table. godamnit make up your mind. wait, am i talking to her, or myself?

then of course she goes on to ask in a hushed tone, "did something happen between you and Byron?" she can not approach in a way that makes me want to tell her anything. I feel so uncomfortable when I'm with her now. this sucks. after trying to show her pics from Ecuador on facebook, the internet froze (oh yeah another argument about the wireless). it's not argument per se, not even bickering, just, the tone... the attitude... i don't know. laskjdfldajflsjf. it's like when i'm bitching on my period, and meeting an even bitchier version of me and bitching at each other. ughhhhhhh.

then she showed me pics of her wine class. what the hell, it's $8500? and she's telling me to not study abroad because it doesn't have to do with science and it's expensive? it's 5 months for only 200 dollars more than what she's spending on some 3-month useless shit. midlife crisis. i'll be really upset if she doesn't pass her test in March. what a waste of money, after she's lost her job, and just adding stress to appa. and she even admitted how "guilty" she feels for not helping halmuni around the house. what the heck. ughhh. i need to stop typing that out.

so I was trying reaaaaally hard to remain looking like I was interested. but honestly, i don't really care. so after about 45 minutes, she sent me off on my way to halmuni's. pahhhhhhhhh, it was so nice to get out of there and walk in the cold air. refreshing. more stares from people. it's scary how shallow people are.

stuck to the carpool lane. made me realize how foolish i was in high school, risking a lot. hm. got to halmuni's, not what I was expecting at all. of course she doesn't hear me when I knock, or come in, but usually when I pass the tiny entry way hall she gets up and sits me down on the couch next to her. I gave her a hug and still didn't notice much difference in personality but as soon as we started talking, i could tell she was lonely and upset and in a lot of pain. complaining of her sores in her mouth so she can't eat, can't sleep because of the hunger from not eating, throwing up the kongnamulgook she made, all bad. the overall impression I got was legit, she's gonna die soon. shit. I won't ever see her again after this. I stopped paying attention to what she was saying and was nearly crying but tried hard to focus on her words. jung cheek. what is that. i remember spelling it out so i would remember it, because these could possibly be the last words i exchanged with her.

Jeong Cheek. i thought of greg who pavan/pranav were just talking about, and cheek, kept touching my cheek. now i remmeber. don't know what it means still. or in what context at this point. but damn, death? so final. i will never see her again, thinking that really scared me.

You reach that point in the convo when you realize it's time to go. but this time i just sat there and stared at the t.v. as she would attempt to strike up more convo. and i could tell as every minute passed she was feeling better and better from human contact. I was holding her extremely cold hands and by now they were warm. she was laughing at my jokes: "why is God not listening to me anymore? he used to listen to my prayers and answer them, and now he isn't." I responded, "he knew I wanted to see you one last time so he's kept you around til i came back home!" pretty sick humor but hey, when you know you're gonna die, you can probably accept anything in the world.

at the end we were talking about how oppa and especially joe oppa need to get married soon. and jihoon, she tells him too, how ridic! he's like 16 years old. haha. so we were talking about family and I promised her i'd try to get everyone together, she'd like that. she was legit happy by this point at whatever I was saying. so I was determined to try to get a family gettogether. she was excited, and made sure i'd come see her before i left. which i'll do, because most likely I won't be home again til summer, and May is pretty far off.....

got home, chill on comp, dinner with halmuni. mah sheet geh mugutdah. I'm so glad I can make her laugh. she said i'm really the only one she has.

we had a good dinner. after, I was going to play piano like yesterday, but after 3 songs I got distracted by wanting to get the sheet music for Keane - Somewhere only we know, and ended up being on my computer, and then talking to Kyle.

I felt pretty awkward talking to him online at first, but as the convo went on it was witty and funny. It kind of reminded me of the banter from pride and prejudice between darcy and lizzy. He gave me the song The Battle Royale - Folk Song. cute, and confusing. i sent him Pete Krebs - Powder Keg, and the Microphones - I Felt Your Shape.

hmm. it was good to clarify the necklace thing. merely to remember the good times we had in Galapagos and nothing more serious insinuated. flattering yet honest, good thing.

Appa came home so after about half an hour of getting myself to stop talking to Kyle I went down and hung out w/ Appa. I can have serious convo with him so easily. We talked about halmuni's poor condition, and as umma came home we had just switched the convo to her. I told him how shocked I was at how halmuni felt neglected, umma was busy with school and stressed out from that, it could potentially ruin her health, etc. and that halmuni had been so against her doing the wine course, and then also how I found out how expensive it was. and appa was also very against it. what the hell is she doing! "midlife crisis?" something like that. dang. and just playing and trying to do everything with the hiking club. poor appa....

then the more uncomfortable awkward talk with umma. i know what it is. we both know the tension between us and try SO incredibly hard to remain civil. but there is still that strained tone of irritation that we can not hold back no matter what. I had called oori Chris and talked to him about getting together with halmuni. jageun samchoon would take care of it. umma had missed the call so she called waesookmo back. "i know why you're concerned but everyone has seen her recently from appa's birthday, and we're having another get together in march."
SHE MIGHT NOT MAKE IT TO MARCH.
after strained awkward tension for 20 min we decided the best thing to do would be me taking the kids (aka chris and justin) to try and eat or just go see her, and that way i can at least catch up with chris. and see her one last time. i mean yeah hopefully it won't be the last time but from the way things are looking, she has no will to live and when old people don't got that then (sorry lupe fiasco is making me talk slang) yeeeaaaa...

of course appa and I always try to lightheartedly make things better, so he said best thing would be for the families to go individually to her house since it'll be hard to get her out and maybe i can take the kids to see her. which is my plan of action. tomorrow, go to costco to maybe get that mini comp. with umma. hm. we'll see how that goes. i mean it's not as terrible as i'm making it out, i just can't get over how ridiculous it is that, come on, 2 minutes!

and byron drunk dialing is surprisingly disconcerting. i don't knwo what to think of it. it's probably nothing, he just accidentally called because the voicemail sounded like it was just cut off. oh right, he just got his new touch phone and probably doesn't know what he's doing with it.

i do miss him though. Kyle is still good friends with Diana. I wish I could have the same with Byron. he's a good guy. I hope he's okay. actually, I wish he could forget everything about me. memory erasure. that'd be nice. and then I could meet him again and start over.

too bad you can't get everything you want in life.

meeting up with piano sunsengneem tomorrow. nice. don't forget the scarf. and look up laptop crap right now so you dont waste more money which umma is not helping out. gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.